Sunday, April 5, 2009

I no longer want to be a doctor.

I have seen four people very dear to me die and three people get sick in less than five years. The last death was a day ago and is the hardest because I was with this person in all stages of his illness, from the time he was diagnosed until the time that he died, right in front of me. Even harder that I am a doctor because as he collapsed in my arms I saw on his face that his life was escaping fast and no amount of prolonged resuscitation can revive him and all manners of prognostication were taking place simultaneously. I knew well enough what every figure on the frantic monitoring machines meant in spite of extreme denial welling in my head and heart. Every image is an assault to my soul, which has by now escaped my being.

All I am thinking right now is why, why, why, what is the point, what is the meaning of all these, no it cannot be happening at all, why why why. Why this amount of death, why know more than I should and suffer horribly for the significant amount of knowledge of the human body and its frailties that I possess.

I do not want to be a doctor. I do not want to be a watcher at the same time. It is a cursed position to be in.

Unfortunately. I am both, and can no longer undo everything.

7 comments:

MerryCherry, MD said...

Sometimes, the answer comes to us at a much much later date. Later than we'd want.

Hope everything will be ok Doc.

Em Dy said...

My condolences, Gi.

And in moments such as these, we realize that there is a higher power and that doctors are nothing like gods.

the philippine daily idiot said...

the person must have been very close to you. oh my, condolences doc gi.

Pinay MegaMom said...

Sympathies Doc Gigi. That person must have been a loved one. May the love live forever.

Marika and friends said...

thanks to all. pasensya na medyo self-indulgent ako ngayon. we study about kubler-ross and her morbid stages in med school, and supposedly we are more well-equipped psychologically in theory. what c**p. please bear with me. i will be back in TBR soon.

Ligaya said...

Hope you are better since we exchanged emails Doc Gi.

Marika and friends said...

gay, yes better, but i wish i could say i am ok. congratulations on your first tbr hosting :)